How to Annoy the Staff of (a major national copying and business center)
by Mileena
(former page title: How to Annoy the Staff of Kinko's) From the Webmaster: In September 1998 we received a letter from Kinko's, Inc. corporate headquarters requesting that we " . . . cease any and all unauthorized use of the trademark KINKO'S . . . " on this Web site. Normally we (actually I, Bud Stolker) would ignore such a letter. We are clearly exercising free speech, mentioning Kinko's in a lighthearted essay that might have been written about any copy shop.
Nevertheless, our intent was never to embarrass or demean Kinko's. We have therefore made a few changes to satisfy the company's request. We have removed the word kinko from the title of this page and have deleted direct references to Kinko's from the text below. A few folks have said that this page is not all that funny, but it just tickles me every time I read it. If any member of our group (as opposed to the folks at Kinko's Inc.) objects to poking a little fun at an American icon, let us know and we'll consider withdrawing the page. If Kinko's, on the other hand, chooses to needle Mensa on its corporate pages, I'm sure we'll all have a good laugh.
Businessmen are the stupidest people in the world. At least once a day, I hear a really stupid question from a white, middle-aged man who is probably the CEO of a huge company, wearing what is probably a $800 suit. Why are these rich, powerful men asking humble little me many a stupid question? Because I work at (a major national copying and business center). You may or may not be familiar with (a major national copying and business center). Basically, we are a store that is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and our raison d'etre is making photocopies. We do a few other things too, like transparencies, desktop publishing, binding, etc.
Basically, (a major national copying and business center) provides all the stuff that the above-mentioned businessmen need to make a nice presentation, at any time they need it. We are pretty quick, always open, and damned expensive. Our slogan is "(a major national copying and business center) . . . your branch office." And that's what we are: a whole store of secretaries that you pay to do your scutwork. So these businessmen flock to us by the millions. And we hate almost all of them. So . . . are you a rich business jerk who comes in here asking stupid questions? Then maybe you will notice how snotty/and or slow we are. If you want us to get your stuff done quick and/or right, quit asking us such stupid questions. As a matter of fact, I have compiled a list of ten things NEVER to say to or ask a (a major national copying and business center)'s employee:
(Note: every single one of these things have been said to either me or another1. Businessman: "Are you open 24 hours a day?"co-worker at my store. As hard as it is to believe, these are NOT exaggerations. . . .)
Employee: "Yes."
Businessman: "Oh. Well, are you open right now?" OR "Oh. Well, are you open at 4:00 a.m.?"2. Can you copy on both sides of the page?
3. Can you copy on colored paper?
4. I have nude pictures of my wife and I . . . can you enlarge just certain parts of our bodies?
5. Businessman: "I have a disk!" Employee: "So?"
6. Woman: (last Valentine's Day) " Um . . . this is going to sound really weird, but can I sit on the copier and make a Valentine's copy of my butt for my boyfriend?"
Employee: "No. The glass might break."
Woman: "Can I copy my breasts instead?"
Employee: (Thor, actually): "Sure!"7. Businessman: "I need to use a computer."
Employee: " IBM or Mac?"
Businessman: "Umm . . .Microsoft."8. How do I use the paper cutter?
9. Businessman: "I need to print a file from my disk."
Employee: "What program?"
Businessman: "Microsoft." OR "Windows."10. Businessman: "It's my sister's birthday. She lives in San Francisco. Can I fax her a birthday cake?"
Employee: "WHAT?!?!?"Yep . . . there you have it. All of those things and more are asked on a daily basis. For real. So please, take heed of this list, and you won't be a dumb ass like everyone else.
Written by Mileena,
with whom we have unfortunately fallen out of touch.
Her old Web address has gone porno,
and we have therefore dropped the link.Why this page? Correspondence with Mileena
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